So I do like women.

Oh man, I was such a weirdo freak tonight. I've been acting strange this past week. I believe it may have something to do with Violet coming back. As soon as I saw her I just cheered, multiple times, "yay you're back." and then she said it right back to me, in the same stupid way. ha!

So I just had to sit next to her at the bar tonight. I was acting so weird and nervous. I was talking a lot, yet I was silly and shy. I've been so excited its embarrassing. It's like I suddenly remembered, Oh I definitely like women. There is no other girl on this league that I get so weird around. There has to be something gay about her somewhere, 'cause I know I wouldn't be this insane around a straight girl.

So even if I could have her for an evening (Shad wants her to "experiment" and she has chosen me) I wouldn't know what the hell to do. I don't actually think that we connect on a social level. It would just be too strange and awkward. I wonder if everyone else picked up on how weird I am around her, or if it's just my own paranoia. Wow, it's a very powerful feeling. I think I need to keep some distance until I'm used to her being back.

It sux to be so out of control around her, but it's also pretty awesome that she can make me feel that way.

Roomate Fight: A theraputic posting

So Brian comes home and tells me he'd like me to turn on the AC at night. I say something like, "I will try to remember, but I have a lot of things I need to remember right now so I may forget to do it. I don't want to be harassed about it and told that it's something I need to remember. I don't want a note taped on it reminding me. I remembered to turn the air on the bathroom and lock the door, I don't need any notes."

The note he put on the door two weeks ago made me furious. He said it was for the new roommate Miriam. The last two male roommates didn't get notes. I'm like, "Why didn't you tell me, I thought you wrote that for me. I don't think she needs a note. If you have a problem you should just tell me. I hate these notes. They are so passive aggressive and hostile."

Brian insists that they are to help me remember. I'm like, "You are not listening to me, they are very demeaning. It's not about helping anyone remember. I can't teach you social skills. You don't want to listen to me." He freakin' slams the door of his room mid-sentence. Why try communicating with someone who is so damn arrogant and impossible to talk to? I care far more about him than he does about me. I am better off when I just ignore him and not try to help him.

5th Date Debacle

Yeah. So I'm writing after being kicked out of her place. I have been left so drunk, so horny and so unsatisfied. No porn can help me now. She told me that I would be staying over. When we got to her place she proceeded to show me every hot lesbian sex scene from the L word and fed me vodka loaded beverages. So she got me all hot and bothered and then out of nowhere said, "It's time for you to go home." I didn't even do anything. I'm not serious about this girl and she probably knows it. It's like I have to fully commit to her to have any fun. Why is it so hard to have a little sex between friends, experiment whathaveyou without being serious. I'm really not ready for marriage. I'm really turned off by the idea of committing myself to someone, I feel like I have to give up a lot of my independence and compromise and I am really happy with the way my life is right now and I don't want to sacrifice my happiness to fuss over some stupid girl who's going to call me every second of the day and harass me. No Thank You! Especially if I have to wait a dozen dates before I can get any action. She is not interested in my kind of sex. Her idea of good sex sounds really boring. It's ridiculous that I'm even bothering with this girl.

So I'm slowly getting past all the bad shit that happen to me and I am finally ready to go out there and explore myself with someone. So I have all those years of sexual energy trapped inside and nowhere to release it. I mean I love women, physically. I just feel like I've been so jerked around lately by them. Women are so unnecessarily complicated. I deserve some honesty here. I'm so sick of this shit.

Labels suck!

You know I'm sick of having to justify my existence with these damn labels. Lately, I've been assuming this "bisexual" identity and it's like people aren't taking me seriously. There is exclusive membership to the "straight" club and I'm not allowed to join, 'cause I guess I'm too gay for the world.

It may work to my advantage right now to hide my other half, though I doubt any hiding will really be necessary.

Lately.

So the more I think about it, the more I realize the need to resolve myself to the fact that I am a complicated girl, with complicated sexual and emotional needs. That being said I think that I am going to try to the poly life, the bisexual poly life. I think that it will be a chance for me to explore my sexuality and share myself with a diverse group of people, and I don't mean diverse in the affirmative action sorta way. Broader diversity: perspectives, ages, and class included, of course along with race/ethnicity.. why not.

Some would hate me for choosing this life, saying that I am selfish or gawk at my refusal to do the normal one-partner-marriage thing, but that is their own issue and not mine. The idea is to be honest about who you are and your desires. This not about cheating. I think cheating is the worst thing a person can do to another person. Cheating is to knowingly hurt someone, and assert your control over them, neither of which I am capable of.

Why ______ is great!

The Art of Loving pg.118

"Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."

You gotta have faith in order to have love, I think that's so true. There's so much that is uncertain in love, like leaping off a building.

Maybe that's why I have been feeling faithful lately, spiritual for no particular reason.

I want to love better.

So This Will Help Me Sleep?!

In this Art of Loving book. Pg. 106

It says that too many of us live like zombies. If we actually paid attention and concentrated on every aspect of our day, we'd stay alert yet be able to sleep at night.

So living as a mindless zombie makes us sleepy, yet unable to sleep at night. That makes sense I think. We're so anxious because we are unaware of ourselves and not really living. If we were focused and aware of ourselves we would feel whole and complete, ready to end the day, conk out. Is that what they are saying?

I'm going to try being more alert and see if I can nip this insomnia in the butty.

The Global Village Mentality

Thoughts on Art of Loving Pg 96-98:

Since we don't have a God to guide us in our purpose and moral principles we are aimless and anxious, we exchange our personalities in the commodity market. It's all individualistic and egotistic; it's aimed how we can benefit from our exchanges rather than seeing ourselves as a wider community working toward a common goal.

Alright so it seems the modern man lacks a little spiritual guidance. But isn't the other opposite extreme important to consider: Won't he lose himself completely if he surrenders to the almighty God?

So somewhere there needs to be a balance, between being spiritual and being an individual. Can a person have their own values and yet operate among a community guided by principles. Am I describing new age Christianity?

I think we need to be critical of our own religion, but not to the point where we alienate ourselves from the community or (God) whatever you believe.

For Freud: Sex is love

The reason why Freud feels love through sex, is because he is like many sexually immature boys who have the same problem of trying to seek intimacy through the act of sex.

I believe that with some guys the only way they feel anything is through the orgasm. Biologically that makes sense, it is a matter of hormone levels. When transmen start taking testosterone shots, they feel an emotional blockage and the craving for lots of quick and easy sex.

Measure in Sex

Pg 82: It talks about the level of Sexual pleasure being the measure of love in a relationship:

"...It fitted the general illusion of the time to assume that using the right techniques is the solution not only to technical problems of industrial production, but of all human problems as well."

So it all just leads back to capitalism and industry. I would add to this statement that the proper sexual techniques also revolved around the same values as the market: quick, efficient, repetitive, easy.

That's why so often sex is measured by the amount and not often by the intensity. I remember hooking up with this girl who was so sure I'd want to have sex over and over again. The way she did me was so mechanical, I immediately got off before I could even feel anything. And she wanted to do this to me all night long?! No way, I just fell asleep.

Experiment: I need to motify

Yeah, so the experiment of me not masturbating for a week failed, but not entirely. I have now pushed it down to once every other day. It's not that I think anything is morally wrong with pleasing yourself, it is the fact that it cures a lack of connectedness that I need to find by other means.

In tribal terms, if I do less of the "drug and trance and orgy" thing to myself, I will be forced to seek this elsewhere, in forms that aren't so superficial or self perpetuating.

I think I'll seek out some queer communities, I was thinking of joining this gay temple downtown, I usually like the queer Jews anyway. It's a liberal enough place that it wouldn't revolve around religion so much as be an open place to be Jewish and gay. They have some classes on the Kabbala and I would love to learn more about these alternative interpretations of the text.

Polarize my Ass

The Art of Loving Pg 31:

"The homosexual deviation is a failure to attain this polarized union, and thus the homosexual suffers from the pain of never resolved separateness; a failure, however, which he shares with the average heterosexual who cannot love."

So what are you saying? I can't love because I can't be straight. Being straight is not the goal. I Don't strive for it, because I'm simply not interested. These heterosexist books make me mad for this reason. The author is so completely disconnected from the experience of a homosexual, how dare he tries to talk about something he has no knowledge of himself.

Homosexuality is not a failure, in my opinion it is a success. The success is of truly finding yourself and what can bring you the most genuine love. It is hard to be honest and be yourself when you live in a heteronormative world which constantly encourages straight behavior, while chastising any deviation from that norm.

I have officially decided...

to STOP masturbating for one whole week!

So that means, no touching myself and certainly no porn.

Starting today... well tomorrow, 'cause I already did it once already.

Wednesday-Wednesday January 27th. Let's see how I survive this. I will be reporting periodically to monitor my progress. I'm in recovery.

Always in a Trance

So this Art of Loving book is saying that primitive tribes used to take hallucinogenic drugs and have massive orgies to help cure their own alienation from the world and each other. In our modern time they would be considered alcoholics or addicts.

The sexual experience, particularly the Orgasm, delivers people away from their anxiety and loneliness for a certain amount of time, until the tension builds and the anxiety is released by performing these sexual rituals over and over again.

So the fact that I have this overwhelming need to masturbate two to three times a day is quite bad, when you look at it this way!

Quote I love.

The Art of Loving pg 8:

"Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of himself, of his fellow man, of his past, and the possibilities of his future. This awareness of himself as a separate entity, the awareness of his own short life span, of the fact that without his will he is born and against it he dies, that he will die before those whom he loves, or they before him, the awareness of his aloneness and separateness, of his helplessness before the forces of nature and society, all this make his separate, disunited existence an unbearable prison. He would become insane could he not liberate himself from this prison and reach out, unite himself in some form or other with men, with the world outside."

Wow. This explains so much. I think why I fall for people so easily is my own loneliness and failure to reach out to others. I just want to drain the life out of the person I am currently into. I have decided that it is unhealthy and not conducive to long-term relationships and certainly no way to have real long lasting friendships.

From now on I will vow to create social intimacy, instead of lusting like a stupid teenage boy.

Additional Adage

I find that sex with a man is a very mechanical act, while sex with a woman remains a very spiritual experience.

I recommend the latter.

The Art of Loving

I found this totally rad book sitting in my library, actually it was in the pile that Brian donated. It's about all forms of love: family, spiritual, romantic.

pg. 83 It says exactly what I have come to know for a while. "Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, but of sexual happiness --even the knowledge of the so-called sexual technique-- is the result of love"

It's ridiculous how so many people think of sex as a science, and buy all these dumb books about technique, when all your actions are guided by your emotions.

Experience is relative to me, the notion of having experience in bed is a load of shit when that experience lacks in experiencing emotional intimacy (love).

The book further attributes this focus on sexual satisfaction as the source of love, to our lovely Freud. Yeah I'm not sure if I buy that.

I went on a date last night...

Alright so I have been exploring alternative relationships.

This young man, Lovinsky, claims he is Polyamorous, which means that he does not commit to anyone and dates multiple people at once (it's not cheating because he's open about it).

I am learning about this poly thing, so I am dating poly people to try to understand it and see if I am poly myself. I know some very awesome poly people, so I think he's just the bad kind...

He made a very poor impression. He talked about himself the entire time and did not care who I was, probably didn't think I had anything to say. He was just so way above me, smarter and more advanced. That's not true but that is how he acted. It's funny that the last guy I went out with, Dave, acted the same way and talk about himself so much. Is it men being so damned sexist and thinking women are all just dumb blondes or is it these men?

I LEARNED: Lovinsky only has lovers that he has sex with and then gets bored of and moves on. The reason why he gets so bored is because he was never interested in anyone but himself. He loves to hear himself talk and never wants to change. He doesn't want to truly learn about me or anyone, or learn about himself, be changed by someone. The resistance toward being influenced by someone is what makes him bored. He cares only about himself and seems to use others for sex.

I WAS DIFFERENT: I let him talk and asked him about his life. I let myself be affected by him. I thought, "Maybe he could open my mind to new possibilities." Maybe there is something I can learn from him, I could show him. We can share in our experiences and even relate to each other through them. Maybe if we worked together we could share our feelings and and understand our lives better. We can sympathize with our struggles, be there when the other person is feeling really bad. And grow stronger together. And we would a form a bond that would become indestructible and last our entire lives.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO FIND?