So I do like women.

Oh man, I was such a weirdo freak tonight. I've been acting strange this past week. I believe it may have something to do with Violet coming back. As soon as I saw her I just cheered, multiple times, "yay you're back." and then she said it right back to me, in the same stupid way. ha!

So I just had to sit next to her at the bar tonight. I was acting so weird and nervous. I was talking a lot, yet I was silly and shy. I've been so excited its embarrassing. It's like I suddenly remembered, Oh I definitely like women. There is no other girl on this league that I get so weird around. There has to be something gay about her somewhere, 'cause I know I wouldn't be this insane around a straight girl.

So even if I could have her for an evening (Shad wants her to "experiment" and she has chosen me) I wouldn't know what the hell to do. I don't actually think that we connect on a social level. It would just be too strange and awkward. I wonder if everyone else picked up on how weird I am around her, or if it's just my own paranoia. Wow, it's a very powerful feeling. I think I need to keep some distance until I'm used to her being back.

It sux to be so out of control around her, but it's also pretty awesome that she can make me feel that way.

Roomate Fight: A theraputic posting

So Brian comes home and tells me he'd like me to turn on the AC at night. I say something like, "I will try to remember, but I have a lot of things I need to remember right now so I may forget to do it. I don't want to be harassed about it and told that it's something I need to remember. I don't want a note taped on it reminding me. I remembered to turn the air on the bathroom and lock the door, I don't need any notes."

The note he put on the door two weeks ago made me furious. He said it was for the new roommate Miriam. The last two male roommates didn't get notes. I'm like, "Why didn't you tell me, I thought you wrote that for me. I don't think she needs a note. If you have a problem you should just tell me. I hate these notes. They are so passive aggressive and hostile."

Brian insists that they are to help me remember. I'm like, "You are not listening to me, they are very demeaning. It's not about helping anyone remember. I can't teach you social skills. You don't want to listen to me." He freakin' slams the door of his room mid-sentence. Why try communicating with someone who is so damn arrogant and impossible to talk to? I care far more about him than he does about me. I am better off when I just ignore him and not try to help him.

5th Date Debacle

Yeah. So I'm writing after being kicked out of her place. I have been left so drunk, so horny and so unsatisfied. No porn can help me now. She told me that I would be staying over. When we got to her place she proceeded to show me every hot lesbian sex scene from the L word and fed me vodka loaded beverages. So she got me all hot and bothered and then out of nowhere said, "It's time for you to go home." I didn't even do anything. I'm not serious about this girl and she probably knows it. It's like I have to fully commit to her to have any fun. Why is it so hard to have a little sex between friends, experiment whathaveyou without being serious. I'm really not ready for marriage. I'm really turned off by the idea of committing myself to someone, I feel like I have to give up a lot of my independence and compromise and I am really happy with the way my life is right now and I don't want to sacrifice my happiness to fuss over some stupid girl who's going to call me every second of the day and harass me. No Thank You! Especially if I have to wait a dozen dates before I can get any action. She is not interested in my kind of sex. Her idea of good sex sounds really boring. It's ridiculous that I'm even bothering with this girl.

So I'm slowly getting past all the bad shit that happen to me and I am finally ready to go out there and explore myself with someone. So I have all those years of sexual energy trapped inside and nowhere to release it. I mean I love women, physically. I just feel like I've been so jerked around lately by them. Women are so unnecessarily complicated. I deserve some honesty here. I'm so sick of this shit.

Labels suck!

You know I'm sick of having to justify my existence with these damn labels. Lately, I've been assuming this "bisexual" identity and it's like people aren't taking me seriously. There is exclusive membership to the "straight" club and I'm not allowed to join, 'cause I guess I'm too gay for the world.

It may work to my advantage right now to hide my other half, though I doubt any hiding will really be necessary.

Lately.

So the more I think about it, the more I realize the need to resolve myself to the fact that I am a complicated girl, with complicated sexual and emotional needs. That being said I think that I am going to try to the poly life, the bisexual poly life. I think that it will be a chance for me to explore my sexuality and share myself with a diverse group of people, and I don't mean diverse in the affirmative action sorta way. Broader diversity: perspectives, ages, and class included, of course along with race/ethnicity.. why not.

Some would hate me for choosing this life, saying that I am selfish or gawk at my refusal to do the normal one-partner-marriage thing, but that is their own issue and not mine. The idea is to be honest about who you are and your desires. This not about cheating. I think cheating is the worst thing a person can do to another person. Cheating is to knowingly hurt someone, and assert your control over them, neither of which I am capable of.

Why ______ is great!

The Art of Loving pg.118

"Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."

You gotta have faith in order to have love, I think that's so true. There's so much that is uncertain in love, like leaping off a building.

Maybe that's why I have been feeling faithful lately, spiritual for no particular reason.

I want to love better.

So This Will Help Me Sleep?!

In this Art of Loving book. Pg. 106

It says that too many of us live like zombies. If we actually paid attention and concentrated on every aspect of our day, we'd stay alert yet be able to sleep at night.

So living as a mindless zombie makes us sleepy, yet unable to sleep at night. That makes sense I think. We're so anxious because we are unaware of ourselves and not really living. If we were focused and aware of ourselves we would feel whole and complete, ready to end the day, conk out. Is that what they are saying?

I'm going to try being more alert and see if I can nip this insomnia in the butty.