5th Date Debacle

Yeah. So I'm writing after being kicked out of her place. I have been left so drunk, so horny and so unsatisfied. No porn can help me now. She told me that I would be staying over. When we got to her place she proceeded to show me every hot lesbian sex scene from the L word and fed me vodka loaded beverages. So she got me all hot and bothered and then out of nowhere said, "It's time for you to go home." I didn't even do anything. I'm not serious about this girl and she probably knows it. It's like I have to fully commit to her to have any fun. Why is it so hard to have a little sex between friends, experiment whathaveyou without being serious. I'm really not ready for marriage. I'm really turned off by the idea of committing myself to someone, I feel like I have to give up a lot of my independence and compromise and I am really happy with the way my life is right now and I don't want to sacrifice my happiness to fuss over some stupid girl who's going to call me every second of the day and harass me. No Thank You! Especially if I have to wait a dozen dates before I can get any action. She is not interested in my kind of sex. Her idea of good sex sounds really boring. It's ridiculous that I'm even bothering with this girl.

So I'm slowly getting past all the bad shit that happen to me and I am finally ready to go out there and explore myself with someone. So I have all those years of sexual energy trapped inside and nowhere to release it. I mean I love women, physically. I just feel like I've been so jerked around lately by them. Women are so unnecessarily complicated. I deserve some honesty here. I'm so sick of this shit.

Labels suck!

You know I'm sick of having to justify my existence with these damn labels. Lately, I've been assuming this "bisexual" identity and it's like people aren't taking me seriously. There is exclusive membership to the "straight" club and I'm not allowed to join, 'cause I guess I'm too gay for the world.

It may work to my advantage right now to hide my other half, though I doubt any hiding will really be necessary.

Lately.

So the more I think about it, the more I realize the need to resolve myself to the fact that I am a complicated girl, with complicated sexual and emotional needs. That being said I think that I am going to try to the poly life, the bisexual poly life. I think that it will be a chance for me to explore my sexuality and share myself with a diverse group of people, and I don't mean diverse in the affirmative action sorta way. Broader diversity: perspectives, ages, and class included, of course along with race/ethnicity.. why not.

Some would hate me for choosing this life, saying that I am selfish or gawk at my refusal to do the normal one-partner-marriage thing, but that is their own issue and not mine. The idea is to be honest about who you are and your desires. This not about cheating. I think cheating is the worst thing a person can do to another person. Cheating is to knowingly hurt someone, and assert your control over them, neither of which I am capable of.